McSweeney’s

The Woman From Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” Would Like to Clear a Few Things Up

Slackjaw

The Children Of The Corn Enter Their 50s And Offer Advice

How to Break up With the Man Half of a Centaur

Hi, I’m A Depressing Documentary And I’m Here To Ruin Your Weekend

Ten Things My Health Insurance Company Expects Cause I’m Turning 30

I’m A Snake St. Patrick Drove Out Of Ireland: This Time Of Year Is Hard For Me

Clean Truth Or Dare Prompts For Christian Teens

I’m The Number One Newborn On Forbes’ Thirty Under Thirty Seconds

I Joined The Cult From Midsommar And It’s Not Going That Well

I’m Eli Whitney And You’re Going To Fucking Love This Cotton Gin

So Long Big City, I’m Ready To Move To Moo Moo Meadows

A Real-Life Emily Pitches Alternatives to “Emily In Paris”

Funny or Die Contributor (Written with Pitch Team):

12 Ways to Make Sure Everyone Remembers You at Your High School Reunion

Here’s Some Other Stuff: 

A Letter Against Foie Gras