The New Yorker

How to Be a Mysterious Woman Who Is Also in Bed by 9:30 P.M.


I’m A Middle School Boy, And I Refuse To Wear Anything But Basketball Shorts In The Winter

The Woman From Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” Would Like to Clear a Few Things Up

Weekly Humorist 

Items in My House Ranked by How Quickly They Slid Down the Guggenheim Ramp

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

The Belladonna Comedy

I’m a Modern Day Orpheus: I Attempted to Rescue a Deleted Photo Out of My iPhone Trash

Parenting Tips From This Excellent Book I Have Read Three Pages of, Flowers in the Attic

How to Break up With the Man Half of a Centaur

As a Therapist in Haddonfield, I’m Frustrated I Don’t Have More Clients

Disney Villain Sidekicks Share Their Health Insurance Complaints

Karaoke For Cowards: 10 Go-To Songs Where You Don’t Actually Have to Sing


We, As A Collective Audience, Have Decided Against Saying “Good Morning” A Second Time

My Name Is Clippy And The Truth Is I Just Want Someone To Send ME A Letter

“If It Bleeds, It Leads” Creator’s Lesser-Known Catchphrases

The Children Of The Corn Enter Their 50s And Offer Advice

Ten Thought Spirals While Leaving My Wallet Unaccompanied At The Beach

Hi, I’m A Depressing Documentary And I’m Here To Ruin Your Weekend

Ten Things My Health Insurance Company Expects Cause I’m Turning 30

“Heat” Re-Watch Bingo

I’m A Snake St. Patrick Drove Out Of Ireland: This Time Of Year Is Hard For Me

Clean Truth Or Dare Prompts For Christian Teens

I’m The Number One Newborn On Forbes’ Thirty Under Thirty Seconds

I Joined The Cult From Midsommar And It’s Not Going That Well

I’m Eli Whitney And You’re Going To Fucking Love This Cotton Gin

So Long Big City, I’m Ready To Move To Moo Moo Meadows

A Real-Life Emily Pitches Alternatives to “Emily In Paris”

Funny or Die Contributor (Written with Pitch Team):

12 Ways to Make Sure Everyone Remembers You at Your High School Reunion

Here’s Some Other Stuff: 

A Letter Against Foie Gras